The 12 Days of Movies Awards – A Journey into a Highly Scientific Method for Determining Filmographic Merit
For those of you who are unaware, I spent my last 12 days trying to see every movie in theaters, and then I wrote a little blog post about each film that I saw. If you scroll down, yeah, right down there, you can read all of these things that I wrote. Some of these posts are similar to real movie reviews, some of them are more like vomiting on my keyboard, some of them I was just trying to be funny. I’m not sure really why I did any of it. But one thing I do know is that on day 7, I committed to giving out awards when I finished.
So yes, now comes the promised ®12 Days of Movies Awards, the world’s only movie spree awards given on a Friday in December, making it, among other things, very, very important. Pay attention my Sony Pictures Ltd’s and Focus Featureses. This could potentially affect your annual reports and year end balance sheets in epic and unpredictable ways. As this blog regularly commands a readership of up to 23.5 unique visitors on a near-daily basis, the honors and rebukes given out today could have dire consequences for some of the world’s richest and most influential film studio executives.
These are dark and foreboding times in Hollywood, where record high December temperatures and a ramping up of the Santa Ana winds are keeping our movie-industry friends sweaty and on the edge of their California King beds, their shutters rippling and releasing freaky sounds throughout their ugly architectural pastiche mansions. Steven Spielberg is frantically clicking refresh on this very webpage at this very moment, praying to whoever his freaky Hollywood Deity is that he is spared our wrath.
Stevey, baby. You don’t have to worry. I didn’t watch any of your movies in the last 12 days. You can relax.
Did I ask for this power? Yes. I begged for it. And it was given to me, I think. Now that I have it, I have my regrets, I’ll admit it. I don’t want to piss on anybody’s hard work, I know how much effort goes into making even the worst of movies. I worked as a lowly assistant in the production office of probably one of the worst movies ever made (I don’t know for sure because it hasn’t been released anywhere yet, but I’d say that itself is not a very good sign), so I know that even making a terrible, giant piece of worthless shit takes a lot of long nights and brutal days.
But you know what, here at the ™12 Days of Movies Awards, our crack staff (which consists of me and this huge ass pot of coffee) don’t give out awards for effort! We’re not your mom saying “wow, what a good job honey,” when we find one of your turds on the carpet! We don’t care about your self-esteems or your ability to not off yourselves before New Years, that’s your therapist’s job, and honestly, I hope you have good ones because hheeeeerree weee goooo!!
Most Medically Accurate Depiction of Alcoholism
Saving Mr. Banks
In Saving Mr. Banks, Colin Farrell plays P.L. Travers’ Dad in some flashbacks from her childhood that take place Australia. Farrell, the actor, is Irish, but he speaks with an English accent in the film while the rest of his family sounds extremely Australian. I don’t know what’s going on with that, it’s never explained.
But the reason this movie is winning this award is the extremely scientific way that that effects of abject alcoholism are portrayed in the film. Farrell’s character is a bit of an escapist, and like the Mr. Banks from Mary Poppins, works as a bank manager. So, that’s like, a real-ass job, and he decides to just drink a little whiskey all the time to deal with this. But then that little bit of whiskey turns into a lot of whiskey, and, anyone who has a cursory knowledge of modern medicine can attest, this results in projectile vomiting blood into handkerchiefs. And then, being forced to bed rest and home-confinement due to the blood persistently leaking from his face, he is forced to give up the drink. And then, as all alcoholics do when their superman-juice is taken away, he fucking dies.
Hats off, Saving Mr. Banks. It takes a lot of guts to portray stark, medical reality like that.
Dumbledore – The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug
Best Actor (Female)
Cate Blanchett – Blue Jasmine
Listen, I do feel kind of queasy about the institution of giving out a separate best Actor and best Actress award, because it implies that they are different classes of performances. They aren’t. But if I have two, I can mention more people and give out more awards, thus severely and deeply impacting the careers of more people. Which is all I want, really, to utilize my unquestionable and immeasurable power before it all dries up.
In Blue Jasmine, Cate Blanchett is excellent. From the monied way she speaks to her unraveling through alcohol and pills, it’s all very convincing and well done. But the most impressive part of her performance is the wide variety of faces she is able to make. In the picture above, you can see her “insane and racked with deep emotional pain and confusion” face.
The “Most Aware She’s in a Dumb Movie and Giving an Appropriate Amount of Effort” Award
Natalie Portman – Thor: The Dark World
Best Actor (Male)
Michael Fassbender – 12 Years a Slave
Doby the Shark – Anchorman 2
Doby comes in and totally outshines his furry costar, Baxter, in Anchorman 2. His riveting performance leaves little doubt that he will soon be given the lead role in the probably-coming Jaws reboot.
Olaf the Snowman – Frozen
Olaf beats out Amy Adams and Jennifer Lawrence in American Hustle and all the girls from the Wolf of Wall Street mainly due to his sheer volume of nudity. The (snow)man literally never puts on clothes the entire film, and his three, vertically arranged tits are a fascinating addition to an otherwise kid-friendly Disney product.
Worst Attempt at a Regional Accent
Jennifer Lawrence – American Hustle
Leonardo DiCaprio – The Wolf of Wall Street
In The Wolf of Wall Street, Leo’s character Jordan Belfort manages to total a Ferrari while wrecked on Quaaludes, whip through traffic while getting a blowjob, crash a mercedes while high on cocaine with his daughter in the car, horribly and precariously (while high, again) crash land a helicopter in his freshly sodded yard, and convince his yacht captain to drive through a horrible storm, leading to the ultimate sinking of the ship off Italian waters. Do not let this guy drive anything.
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
Steve McQueen – 12 Years A Slave
Dallas Buyers Club
I realize that “Best Director” and “Best Film” are kiiindd of the same award, really. What does a director do? Make a film. What is a film made by? A director. It’s an infinite loop of ridiculous logic, but I felt like these two movies needed to win these two awards. They were my favorites of the bunch.
I decided to divvy up the awards with Best Director going to 12 Years a Slave because I feel like his visual and stylistic Direction is really the most outstanding part of the film, whereas with Dallas Buyers Club those elements aren’t really as obvious, but the movie itself is still excellent.
That’s it for the awards, folks!
I would like to thank all 23.5 of my readers and I hope you all have a happy 2014.