DAY 1 – Hunger Games: Catching Fire
I’m sitting in my Dad’s living room in Port Hueneme, California. My Grandmother walks in. Her tooth hurts. She’s asking what we saw at the movies. We tell her Hunger Games. She says (to my dad) “Oh you poor thing, you must be so sick of it by now.”
Aren’t we all.
He made me watch the first one last night, which is called, Hunger Games: The First One (I don’t remember), so I would be “prepared” to write about the second one. I thought it would be funnier to just watch the second one alone, no context, but, it was on Netflix and I had vodka, you know how this story goes.
Anyway, so the movie is like this: It’s communism (or something) in America (maybe) and there are these places called districts. Each district does some specific job (like farming grain) and is comprised of about 100 people living in them, according to the wide shots of the gatherings that occur in the movie, where like, every fucking kid in the district goes to the district square and has to get chosen to choke other little kids to death in the “hunger games,” which are so named because apparently you can get some extra food if you put your name in more times (in the jar, which like, has about 20 pieces of paper in it) for a character who should have been played by Helen Bonham Carter to pick (seriously, she must have said no).
I know I’m probably confusing the two movies but really, who the fuck cares. I’m jet lagged.
The districts are apparently racially segregated so black people farm stuff (sensitive!) and white people mine coal.
The main character is Jennifer Lawrence. Jennifer Lawrence is really, really hot according to the internet. I just see a person who was eating rolls in the kitchen at midnight and gets caught, so pretends she really doesn’t have anything in her mouth by gently keeping them bitten down between her teeth, but, unfortunately, they stick out a little into her inner cheek and make her face look like Jennifer Lawrence’s. OK, fine, she’s hot.
Jennifer Lawrence is a pretty useless human being in this (these) movies. She, like all the other doe-eyed district people are just pussies and get pushed around by “the capital city,” which is the city from The Fifth Element except nicer. She volunteers for her sister after her sister gets picked to choke kids, because Jennifer Lawrence really just wants to choke some fucking kids. This is a big deal and makes her seem great, when really, she just would rather die than mine coal (I’m with you there, Roll Face).
Choking kids it is.
Jennifer Lawrence’s character is not…physically strong or capable. I mean, storm troopers are always grabbing her and stuff and she just can’t do anything to stop it. She doesn’t run particularly fast, she doesn’t jump particulary high, she’s never shown working out or training. BUT. but but but but. If you put a bow in her hand, she suddenly turns into Bow-Jesus and does barrel rolls all over the fucking place and can shoot screaming birds out of the sky no problem. She becomes agile, fast, has amazing aim, and kills the shit out of some people.
I really wish she had a bow in her hand when her boyfriend was getting whipped.
In the first one she wins the hunger games after doing some thinly veiled suicide feigning, (oh yeah like you’re gonna eat those berries), and she’s a big hero and everyone wants to have a revolution now. Apparently, taking your kids and making them fight eachother to the death for 74 years is not enough to make you want to have an uprising.
Like I said: District people = pussies.
Anyway, Lenny Kravitz is there, and he gets finally gets punched to death by Storm Troopers before Jennifer Lawrence goes up a tube to do the hunger games AGAIN. This time it’s in the jungle and she’s only fighting against other winners of the event, so this is like those pathetic cash-grab seasons of Survivor where they bring back people who won before. Apparently, Suzanne Collins likes to brainstorm her books while watching reality television on CBS.
Hold on, getting wine.
Anyway, after going up the tube, some people get slaughtered, and there’s a guy who is a total douche who seems like he’s on her team and…. wait…. spoiler alert?
If you see this movie, everything up to this point is like quiet, dramatic, fight the power shit, and like, character development (yawn) then after, it’s just people killing each other and then some twists happen and the plot. goes. hard.
But yeah. Final Notes:
1) Writing about movies is bullshit, NEVER DO THIS.
2) Everyone in this movie is hot. No wonder our children have such low self-esteems. Someone pass the candy.
3) My little sister is obsessed with bows and arrows now because of this series of books/movies. BOWS AND ARROWS. Like, cool, killing animals is fun, I get it, but why couldn’t J-Law use like the power of *Math* to kill her opponents.
4) At the end, Jennifer Lawrence ascends into the sky making the shape of a cross with her body. I’M NOT JOKING.
5) I never, ever watch these big, trendy movies based on books. I didn’t watch Harry Potter until THIS YEAR. I’ve seen like five minutes of a twilight movie. But, all said, there’s nothing really offensive about any of that stuff, but if someone you know doesn’t want to watch them, please don’t attempt to force them to. Their lives will be no better after they watch all the twilight movies, and neither will yours.
6) This Hunger Games sequel was much more solidly made than the first. But, you can go read a real movie review if you care about “filmmaking.”