DAY 8 – Frozen

by 12daysofmovies

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I think we’re all aware of Disney’s biggest new year’s wish: to make the most money with a single movie as possible.

They used to do this with a lot of hard work and brainstorming. Example: shit, we got a movie about a flying elephant. How can we use this to print more money? Oh, I knowflying elephant rides in our theme park. We have a theme park? Yes, based on the popularity of our films. Oh. It must be free then, right? Since we’re a principally a movie studio. HAHAHAHA get this asshole out of my sight. 

Frozen is not a bad movie, of course, as it represents Disney’s latest attempt to print money in perpetuity. It really can’t be bad, that would defeat the point. The idea is to enchant the hearts and minds of a generation of children, and then to exploit the feeling of nostalgia that they feel about the film for the rest of their lives. It’s part of the same series of Walt Disney Animated Classics that produced such stalwarts as Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Alice in Wonderland. All three of those are movies that are still making Disney money, even though they were made in 1959, 1937, and 1951 respectively. 

So, what does the 2013 version of this endeavor look like?

Like a goddamn masterpiece of marketing.

Frozen is a big mix of every good marketing idea that Disney could think of. It should be called “Synergy! The movie.” It follows the formula of some of the latest big money drawing franchises with a young female protagonist and a love triangle (a la Twilight and Hunger Games), and here we have Princess Anna and Prince Hal, the boy she falls in love with at first sight, and Cristoff, the peasant boy who she is forced to rely on. However, Prince Hal turns out to be the embodiment the Machiavellian ideal of a Prince, which, is a total spoiler. Sorry about that. So, unlike the agonizing twists and turns that make other love triangles 3 movies long, this one sorts itself out quite nicely by film’s end.

Another bullet point that Frozen hits is being a musical. Disney knows from past experience that including catchy, memorable songs will keep young girls singing those words all throughout their lives, highly upping the nostalgia factor of the film. Also, this movie includes such a high amount of songs that it could easily be adapted for the stage (I’m positive this in the works) and, maybe produce a radio hit. I was watching the movie, and the ice queen started singing a chorus that sounded straight from the Katy Perry Power Ballad songbook, and, of course, over the credits a slightly auto tuned arrangement of the song started to play, even removing all of the tricky chord progressions that are present in the film version of the song and replacing them with a simple repeating I-V-vi-IV. Which is like, you know, probably going to be on iTunes playlists everywhere.

Lastly, the movie is a bout a frickin’ ice queen and her relationship with her sister! Ice? Frozen!? This movie was basically tailor-made to be translated to the popular Disney-on-ice property. No more awkward adaptations of Finding Nemo scenes for ice-skating! Frozen even ends with an ice-skating scene!

Anyway, the movie was enjoyable. Had some good laughs, some good feels. It started off the with classic UP! strategy of just dumping a bunch of sadness on you right off the bat, and then spending the rest of the movie trying to make it up to you. Like, oh sorry, did I ruin your day? Here, have a talking snowman (on store shelves soon), it’s gender non-specific banter will make it up to you!

Notes:

1) Now, Disney waits. If this movie does what it’s supposed to do and make a healthy amount of money at the box office, then it will move ahead with all it’s parallel properties plans. Expect to see broadway, Disney on Ice Tours, new attractions at the theme park, toys, everything.

2) As for the songs, there was like one really memorable one about building a snowman, for me anyway. I know little kids mind’s are capable of latching on to just about anything. I mean, we still think The Lion King had great songs.

Newsflash. It didn’t.

3) The main character’s sister, Elsa, has powers that are pretty much on par with any major deity. She’s scary as fuck. She can build anything out of snow or ice, including giant monsters, freeze arrows in mid air, put life-threatening curses on her sister TWICE on accident, and cast Norway (or wherever) into a permanent winter. Also, all the men in the movie dress like the people in Kenneth Branagh’s Hamlet. 

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