DAY 9 – Thor: The Dark World

by 12daysofmovies

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Oh yeah! Another sequel!

So, I couldn’t think of anything to write about this movie. Watching it was…a chore. So, I invited my Dad to write this blog post for me. His work is in regular type and my comments are in italics. 

Thor, though he has maintained his physique in this sequel, spends too much time in overly lit realms, which kind of works against the title of Dark World. We would have enjoyed seeing more of him smashing about in small towns, lost in the desert, searching for his hammer, and smashing cups of coffee instead of rock monsters.

My Dad is referring to the first movie, where almost all of the enjoyment came from seeing Thor trying to integrate himself in the human realm, awkwardly navigating the concepts of coffee and not being a giant blonde douchebag. It’s hard, I know, buddy.

In this version he may lose a parent or two, but he maintains a firm grip on his hammer the whole time which makes his enemies seems pretty impotent during the adventure, which includes alien ships, lost car keys, pantless scientists, morphing, merging worlds and awkward first dates with British clientele from Match [dot] com.  Our favorite parts of this version were when he hangs his hammer on a coat rack and catches a ride on the metro.

Which echoes the first film. But really, these “parts” really only a couple seconds at most.

As far as Jane Foster goes, talk about being in the wrong quantum place at the wrong quantum time. I guess the whole universe does revolve around her, but, come on, only two kisses?  There was more passion when the pantless scientist hugged Thor after welcoming him back to earth to court Jane, our heroine, and scientist in waiting. Also,

I had no ideas that a few spare parts from Home depot and some broken lightning rods, and old, 80’s style remote controls could have such an effect on eliminating aliens and containing the evil essence we all have heard of in ancient norse and greek lore – Aether.

I think this is sarcasm. No one has ever heard of this. It apparently turns regular matter into dark matter, which is bad and stuff for some reason.

Watch out, for any black, mind controlling, smoky substance, for if you stumble upon it, Mr. Spock’s evil cousins, the dark elves will come-a-courting, and try to hunt you down. I think it would have been more politically correct to call them beige toy makers who lost their moral compass. (I don’t get this joke. Oh, Elves.) It seems like we only have a small pool of badguys and creatures to choose from lately – elves, over-sized intimidating gorks, (gorks?) rock creatures, hoblets, goblins, and goblets, and a few inept humans here and there.

The movie really does make space geography much easier to understand. You have nine realms of nine kingdoms that basically are always at war except for hundred years here and there after one conquers the others. And then there’s earth, where you may find an earth girl of your choice to keeps things interesting – just make sure she has a PHD in astrophysics, and every 5000 years these worlds all line up so you can kick the living crap out of the realm of your choice.  For in the beginning, the world was dark and without void, but Aether roamed about, looking to cause trouble, or at least inspire Marvel comics for a few movie ideas. Also, did they really have to have Loki morph into Captain America?  Doesn’t that guy have enough residuals already, really? Loki is quite the trickster – I think he will make a fine Norse King for ‘Van Halen’ – he does have that Rocker look down.

Notes

1) There were entire 20 or 30 minute stretches of the movie completely devoid of dialogue and featuring huge, CGI action sequences. It was so boring, my goodness. The very last action sequence at least had a good “hook,” the rest of them could have been deleted. Should have been deleted. 

2) I told my dad to try to write like me, so apparently, this is what I write like. I’m so sorry, America. (Just kidding, I thought it was funny)

3) BREAKING NEW DAD-NOTE

If a movie is like 80% special effects, they really aren’t that special anymore, are they? Watching this movie was like having 340 days of holidays a year and maybe working every other monday.

Good Point.

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