DAY 12 – The Wolf of Wall Street
Oh, my confoundedly oblong albondigas grandes! Sweet Jennifer Lawrence’s buttered cheeks and squinty eye holes! It’s finally over! The 12 days are finally over!
It’s going to be a long, long time until I watch another movie, or eat another Rolo. All these fucking actors and their fucking faces. All their screaming and spittle-run cheeks and fucking millions of dollars worth of emoting, all this bullshit story telling, none of it intellectually stimulating or worth anyone’s time. Why are we supporting this industry, America? Why?! Why are you all trying to hurt me?!!?
Oh wait, I forgot. This is the last day. Pardon me. Ahem. I’m okay, dear readers, nothing to see here.
Okay, so The Wolf of Wall Street. Cool. Yeah. A movie. Cool. Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, alright. Neat. Neato.
In the first five or so minutes of the movie, Leo snorts coke off a stripper’s butthole, which is, you know, something I had always hoped to see. And there he was doing it. Right in front of me, and God, and everybody, and somewhere in that room where that scene was being filmed was 71 year old director Martin Scorsese, yelling at Leo to make more noises while he buried his nose in this actress’s ass, and really, It’s all just great. So great. All I had hoped for, really.
So then the film takes us back in time with a surprisingly non-intrusive voice-over and Leo is working for (a still a little weird looking, from Dallas Buyers Club) Matthew McConaughey (which, thanks to this blog, is a name I can now spell perfectly), who is your classic douchebag rich stock broker guy. We all hate rich people, right?
Anyway, so McConaughey teaches DiCaprio to do drugs and jerk off a lot, so really McConaughey is like DiCaprio’s slick older brother. But then, Black Monday happens and the firm goes under, so DiCaprio is back being a poor schmuck with nothing going for him. That is, until he learns about selling Penny Stocks from some dudes in Long Island. Then he runs with his as far as it will go, picking up an always-happy-to-co-star-in-an-adaptation-of-something Jonah Hill, whose character is unabashedly married to his first cousin.
Anyway, they build a big boiler room brokerage and make tons of money illegally, until it all comes crashing down when the FBI gets involved. In that way, this movie was a lot like my time in High School.
Along the way we get some real good laughs. Like, hearty, deep-down laughs, you know? And there’s a lot of naked people (which is nothing like my time in high school). Which is okay by me. It turns out most people are naked at some points in their lives, why not have some of those times be on camera for my entertainment?
I feel like this movie was just a big, multi-million dollar project to let Leo really act his ass off. You can tell that many of the scenes just consisted of getting Leo in front of a bunch of extras and letting him go to town. Or saying, “OK Leo baby, in this scene you’re really high on Qualuudes, win us some fucking oscars!” and then Leo like rolls around on the ground and moans and then there’s the aforementioned spittle. I mean, the end result was pretty good. It could have been a lot worse.
The movie, however, was three hours long. Three hours. So many things happened, and Leo did so many actings, that I can’t remember them all. And, according to reports, the movie was cut down from like four hours or something. Four hours?! How long did it take to shoot this, nine months? Nine months of Leo spitting on stuff/people? Was Peter Jackson involved? I’m confused. Where was Dumbledore?
Anyway, my advice to all of you is go read a fucking book, for chrissakes. Or take up knitting. Or see this movie if you really have nothing else going on. It’s pretty good, but how good is a pretty good movie if you have to watch twelve of these goddamn things in a row?
Answer: IT’S OVER OMG YES
2) So glad this is over. It felt like a full-time job. Except, I didn’t get paid and no one gave a shit.
3) Tune in tomorrow for some very bitter awards that I will be giving out.